vanish.

never the same, never.

2010-02-22T05:48:00.000-08:00

I tried my best,

but well I guess my parents just have better reasons not to let me run for Student Council.

let's reflect and bemoan the possibilities that could've been.

I could've done so much.

I want to.

but I know, for all the people that want me in, there are twice as many that don't want me in.

so I guess it's best for the people.

but, thanks to two of you, i'm going to start trying to change.

so here goes optimism.

i don't need to be in council to give my all for ACS. (:

i'll have strong connections, who'll give me every opportunity they can.

I have faith in them. I have faith in Rae, Clifton and MichaelKwan.

5.8, please let me remain as Chairman. Please give me the last thing I can take, the Student Leaders' Network.

And I shall be at peace.

I don't need to hold an office to do what I want to do for my school.

it makes me wonder.

if you knew how far i'd go for my school,

do you realize the extremes i'd go to, just for you?

without hesitation.

I know I'll sound immature and hot-headed here, but I'd give up my life for either of them. If it ever had to come to that.

whoever you are.

if you'll ever exist.

okay, cut.

2010-02-21T03:22:00.000-08:00

i've got to stop.

drop all this.

four years later, if i'm still alive,

i may wonder about you.

but none of this will matter nor remain relevant, anyway.

right now, the priorities for me are emceeing properly for Founder's Day, and passing my Violin exam the following day.

Then, it's Ying Cong's birthday, and then yours.

and then i'm going head first into IB.

so,

please consider this to have no bearing on anything?

please.

i cannot make it up to you ever,

and i cannot complete that sentence.

let's just worry about IB, it's enough.

if it's wrong to do what's right, then i'm guilty of following my heart. to you.

2010-02-21T01:21:00.000-08:00

okay so you know.

okay so everybody knows?

well,

okay.

he's your good friend now.

see how far you can get with him then.

i'm sorry for everything.

really.

sorry.

i hope against hope i never weirded you out, yet i know that's not true.

and if i ever try to care about you,

wouldn't it be so extra?

so unnecessary?

so going-out-of-my-way?

nah, I guess all that's not for me.

6 years, and i'm still nothing, really.

i think i think too highly of myself.

that i ever had a chance with anyone.

but now people'll feel sorry for you because they think,

because they hear,

because they think they know

about me.

but

no.

that's all wrong.

I'll give you a birthday present,

and.

never look back again.

not in the same light.

haha, i don't have a place in your IB life anyway.

there are sufficient people already to fulfill all the needs.

i hope i can still be a friend.

when, unbelievably, there's no one else to go to.

I hope you realize i'll always do my best to be there.

otherwise, you can stop making yourself bother about me. (:

i'd humbly ask if you can forget it, but you're nowhere near that shallow.

hope your rep's not tainted by me already.

2010-02-19T04:21:00.000-08:00

i don't know how i'm going to successfully say everything in my head now.

next month, i really.

really.

want.

to die.

i'm going to fail my violin exam.

again.

it hurts me.

more than my own failure.

to see my dad's faith.

that i can do it.

to see that i failed.

and all our money wasted.

and we're not rich.

barely enough money.

after i fail.

i want to die.

i can't do anything i try at all.

i can't do MUN.

i can't do music.

i can't do academics.

i can't be in shape ever.

i can't be.

i'm so lost after i followed her after YDS today.

every step i took,

i told myself,

" turn around and leave

now.

you're wasting

her time. being

clingy.

loser."

but no.

i couldn't listen to myself.

it seems.

i was caught up

in the heat of the moment.

to find

someone.

someone who'd actually

have a conversation with me

and respect me

politely.

i'm sorry. :(

it's not good for you to be

seen with me.

not good, at all.

it's bad enough you're having to emcee by my side.

and i guess someone read one of my last posts.

unbelievably.

i don't understand how,

I, of all people.

can be called a poser.

like.

what

the

hell.

that's the worst joke ever.

i'm a poser.

i'm

bloody.

poser.?!

i emceed this morning.

some teachers seem to love my voice.

the students, however.

ahh. what's new.

i should become a useless hermit.

so i don't tarnish the school's reputation within itself.

like,

''how can they let this loser do something as important as this? (crap i need to be cooler otherwise i'm a wimp. okay let's go insult him and play this down as though it's useless and a waste of time.)''

and i'm going to fail my all my subjects.

i can't do anything in class.

perhaps it's because i've gradually and finally succumbed.

to the realization that

i can't do anything.

with the death of hope comes the death of everything.

including me.

why was i even born.

everyone's lives would've been so much better.

with no exceptions.

i don't know about suicide.

seems such an attention-seeking method.

i'd rather have anonymity.

because all i've ever seemed to be capable of is ruining two things.

people's lives.

and people's expectations.

my smile's nearly gone now.

i admit defeat.

I am ugly, and I accept it.

I am fat, and I accept it.

I am rubbish at music, and I accept it.

I am useless at academics, and I accept it.

I have no say, and I accept it.

I don't stand for anything, and I accept it.

so what am I for, at all?

please.

please,

please.everyone.

stop trying to pretend to yourself you actually might want to be my friend.

nothing I ever do, will ever be meaningful. isn't it.

and to think I've actually been under the impression all these years that I deserve to love.

let alone, live.

2010-02-18T05:29:00.000-08:00

When I see all these couples, past, present and future.

I really want to cry.

not because i'm selfish and want to complain that i'm alone.

but because i'm so happy for them that they actually get to experience love.

even though it may only be a crush, or puppy-love, the point is. they're convinced.

the magic is still the same, while it lasts.

at least they got to that stage.

today.

I talked to someone while looking them in the eye. After 4.whole.years.

it took all the courage and self-confidence I never knew i had.

plus, it was a beautiful girl. talk about bummer.

I got lost instantly. confused. stuck.

Do I still wonder why I can't look people in the eye when I talk?

I don't have the self-belief. courage. confidence.

and I'm unable to accept someone's actually paying attention to me.

I got stuck staring for 2 seconds.

Why? Was she humoring me? Or wondering how weird I am?

I guess I don't want to know.

some things, are better left unsaid.

and why'd you go and have to tell the whole table about my supposed feelings.

now the whole cohort's going to know.

I don't have enough self-respect and esteem left to worry about losing any.

I'm just very distressed now; about all the rubbish she'll have to endure.

it's really like how all the romanticists put it. the more you try to care about someone, the more you end up hurting them.

i don't know if can even face up to her to give her what i wanted to give her.

just like the gold, heart-shaped box I got last year.

I had a few people to give it to.

I never could.

I never will be able to.

and well.

the respect people'd been giving me was too much to last.

now, we're back to singling me out to be an annoying loser whenever possible.

yes, we all make fun of those people. but either because they're annoying or they're a loser.

I seem to be the only combination.

pile it on. meanwhile i'll keep up my cheerful facade, and i'll fight you all back. ALL.

just try to wipe that smile off my face.

just try to destroy that laugh from my heart.

that is something you'll almost never do.

to accomplish that, you'll all have to come together and cross the line full and well.

and my line is way further than most people's. and to think you're not too far from it now.

well it's okay, batchmates. i'm always available to insult whenever you need it.

in school, i smile; i laugh.

outside, i frown; i cry, usually in my heart.

but,

when you succeed in wiping that smile, and destroying that laugh.

it may never come back again.

i will be mute.

but i guess.

for all that I care for about ACS,

my cohort would never stand more united as one,

unless it were to bring me down.

i guess,

after our IBDP exams in 21 month's time.

after the prom which i won't attend.

after we graduate.

the only memories people might have of me

is as the one loser who always wanted to be everybody's friend.

no one'll keep any pictures.

so there's no chance of a photoframe, or a gray and faded image.

just, some random loser guy.

and my name, will either be lost to the wind.

or remembered just for laughs.

please forget it.

you may feel i deserve all these insults.

but my name never did anything to you.

at least,

let that part of me,

maintain some level of respect,

the sort of level i'd never dream of?

oh, and you, the one who's life i'm ruining no matter how hard I've been trying not to.

can you please reject me?

and everything i try to give you.

the whole level'd love that. simply love it.

you'd become well-known. famous. everyone's friend. a heroine.

and make me less than the zero i've always been, since i stepped into this school.

but, who cares what I am?

I've just lost half my enthusiasm for life.

half my smile's gone.

half my laugh's gone.

cmon guys, your victory's half-complete.

I just don't deserve to get to look at people in the eye.

from now, i'm sticking to the floor.

what is it with making me a figurehead and bringing me down.

the higher the rise, the harder the fall? is that what you all are setting me up for?

well, let's go.

what's left of this heart would shatter soon anyway.

and no one'd pick up the pieces.

or share some heartglue.

i'll just spend the rest of my days,

watching from afar.

all you lovebirds.

all you buddies.

and feeling glad that you've experienced the two things i've held in the highest regard in life. and never had.

goodnight, world.

a brand new horizon of insults awaits us tomorrow morn.

2010-02-14T00:16:00.000-08:00

i don't understand why I keep writing about you ever since you came to my school.

i've only seen you around four times, and haven't said more than 'hi'.

i don't think i'll ever get further than that, until the most trying circumstances and there's no way out.

i acknowledge I sent you the flower, and i acknowledge that you're indirectly calling me a coward for not putting my name on it.

but that's just not me.

i'm not autistic or dyslexic as far as i know.

but i can't make eye contact unless my heart is being wrenched. i'm just afraid.

and i can't express myself verbally. i can express other people, countries, lives. but not myself.

and i sure as hell don't want to ruin your IB life by having it be known that you have anything to do with me. it's not safe for you.

you seem to be doing just fine getting on with all the gep-flyboys. so keep at it; it's your thing.

i'll be a coward if it keeps your life good.

because i'm just afraid.
that by being impulsive i will ruin everything.

wise indeed were the ones who said that there is nearly nothing that feels worse than ending up hurting the ones you love most by trying to show them you care.

does that mean I love you?
for your sake, and for mine, I almost wish the answer was 'no'.

and what about you, and you?

you two aren't in my school.

i wish i could just live life somewhere else where I don't know anyone.

i wouldn't have to be in your lives, and-

well i guess i never really was.

so please can you just kick me out?

even when I try to keep up with you, it's like you don't have time.

and I always thought I was the one in that situation.

if that's so then why do I try?

should I speak my dreams?

next time, perchance.

just pretend you don't know me.

it will quench my confused heart.

and why do you think I'm unable to make eye contact with people?

2010-02-13T00:49:00.000-08:00

It seems i'm going to fail again this time.

i fancied i would be able to pass.

even my parents don't think so now.

what did I say last night about being the most rubbish at the things i have the most passion for?

I want to just sit here and cry because i'm so useless. yes, do something useless because i'm so useless.

why can't my fingers aim correctly? why can't my last 2 fingers be as flexible?

till the death, i will keep trying. and keep failing.

how can I sincerely believe i'll ever have a happy ending to anything?

I want to die.

somewhere no one I know will know I am.

somehow no one I know will care.

and not when i'm 60+.

Before i'm 25. please.

I don't think I'd survive longer than that, anyway.

The sooner the better.

I requested the flower for you.

thanks for calling me a coward.

I just didn't want to embarrass you.

By being associated with me.

I'm sorry I sent it.

2010-02-12T04:04:00.000-08:00

IB Orientation's over now.

OG 1 2010 though, will never be over. We're Only The FIRST and the BEST.

we've really set a perfect example for how an OG should be, in ANY orientation, anywhere.

We're all from different classes, schools, CCAs, backgrounds, but we just click together. Each and every one of us. OGLs included.

Can any other OG spontaneously have super long and super exhilarating outings spontaneously almost every single weekday?

Can any other OG have such brotherhood and sisterhood and team spirit during AnglOlympics; that there's no hesitation to help each other out; regardless of past differences?

Can any other OG have the girls and guys such good friends without scandals?

Is it any wonder we've been recognized as the MOST ENTHUSIASTIC OG?

GIVE IT UP FOR OG 1. WE'RE NOT FRIENDS. WE'RE BROTHERS AND SISTERS.

but I know how I'm regarded. across the level.

I won't deny i've become overly suspicious of people's behaviour, ever since Year 1. After what I've been through...what can I say.

can't help but wonder if they all'd rather not have me in the OG. I doubt it've made any difference whatsoever. No one's really going to be my friend, anyway.

I know my body's grotesquely-shaped. I know I have disgusting hair. I know I am wholly repulsive to look at. I know i'm really fat.

so when i'm not caught up in the moments we've been spending together, I keep thinking back on everyone's behavioural subtleties and keep finding all the negative indicators.

You know what they say; when you're fearing the worst, you'd rather biasedly get confirmation from an untrustworthy source than get denial from a trustworthy source.

and then you're in my school again (yes I know I've realized this before.) Maybe I sent a rose to you; maybe I gave you a flower for Valentine's Day. the two are different things; but now in retrospect please don't take it to mean anything. I'm just stupid to hope for it. I don't want it; because it'll just make you suffer abuse from everyone else we know. And you sure as hell aren't going to give it any importance for more than five whole minutes, and that's if i'm really really lucky to maintain your attention for that long. just forget about me, I guess. but i'll still keep trying my best behind the scenes to make your life here as smooth as I can. and it's going to be very little, but I have to try, even if it's futile. Just stay clear of JQ, he's dangerous. Though admittedly I don't know the other side to him.

sitting with my laptop typing all these thoughts in my head keeps throwing me down into the depths. the longer I carry on, the less i find myself able to carry on instead of sitting there contemplating all of it. so berate, belittle me.

despite all this, I need to thank someone so so much for showing me the real man side of him, this year. Isaac Koh Teng Kiat. I know you liked her, and I felt bad for you for that, because I sort of knew it'd never happen. I don't know why it happened, but once you found out I knew her too, you seemed to hate me, following half of the GEP cohort. I don't know why you bothered (unless i was mistaken in that) hating me; did you think I could ever stand in your way? I'm just another nobody. I'm just so sorry for you that you had to give up on her.

then, end of last year, we find out we're in the same OG. I felt so resigned to enduring all the dislike i've been through the last 4 years, and i really expected you to turn the others against me too. You became chairman of our OG as well, and I lost all hope of ever being respected amongst my peers in IB.

but then you proved me wrong, and terribly so. You talked to me just as much as you talked to the rest, you laughed at my jokes, you played frisbee etc with me, you...treated me as an equal. the last thing I ever would have believed you would do. the last thing almost anyone has done to me in school for 4 years.

With her in our school now, I really thought you would show who's who and perhaps try again. But you didn't. You seem like you've really gotten over her.

i'd never have the courage to say any of this in person; even though we were sitting next to each other today at the esplanade rooftop. there's another side-thing i wanted you to know, if it might still matter to you. I've known her for over 6 years, and you've known her for over 1. we've both fallen for her, and yet she's way way way closer to you than me. she'll definitely go out with you if you ever ask her properly, but it's ridiculous to think i'll ever get that to work out. despite what might've happened between the two of you, it's all yours for the taking as I see it. them others can try all they want, but you're really in the best position. i'm almost jealous you actually matter to her, but oh well. if she's happy then all's fine.

I don't know why you treated me so well. Being my suspicious self now, I wonder if it was a facade just so that there was no unnecessary unpleasantness in our OG. whether the reason was selfish, or selfless. I have to sound pathetic now.

thank you, Isaac. It really meant a lot to have your respect, even if it's going to have been just for this past month. at least it was there. somewhere.

and now, at the beginning of a new journey at ACSIndependent, just like 4 years ago.

and now, being elected class chairman of my new class, just like 4 years ago.

and now, i'm still nothing.

I don't know if I actually want to be President of YDS for the next year. All my stalwarts around me cannot/don't want to commit. but that can always be worked out. After all, our batch never seems to be functional anyway. Probably because of me.

i've been for 6 MUN conferences now; and i've never even looked like i'm going to win something, let alone win it. I've been for 4 SMOs, and've gotten 2 Silvers. I've failed 3 music exams in my 3 different paths to Grade 8s in music. I love dancing and sports but i'm overweight and unfit. I love socializing and being a friend to people but no one wants me as a friend.

i find it so sad that the very things that I have the most passion, interest and natural feeling with are the things I suck at the most. but what's one to do. even my studies. what kind of shitty average is 76.2%.

you know,
I want to join Student Council.
but, do I really want to ruin any respect the student body may have for them?
do I really expect to garner anything but one of everybody's three negative votes?
do I want to leave YDS up the creek without a paddle?

the seniors/councillors that I know may be all for getting me to join, but do they really know what I stand for within the school as opposed to for the school?

I thank my new class for giving me my chairmanship once again. the Student Leaders' Network may be virtually nothing, but it's still something.

it's all for what I believe in, and that is: A.C.S.

even though none of my fellow acsians may respect me,

even though none of my family supports anything I do for the school,
even though no one'll ever care what I sacrifice for the greater good,

i'll do all I can until the day I die, to keep the ACS spirit alive.

even at the expense of having no real friends anymore.

even at the expense of having no self-respect and dignity.

even at the expense of no one ever knowing what i've done and'll ever do.

if any of you from my cohort ever read this, which is one of the most unlikely things possible,

I guess you'll think i'm probably the most exaggeratively emo and lacking-self-confidence person there is around,

and you'll definitely never acknowledge me when other people are around.

Why do you think I can't ever, ever, ever look anyone in the eye?

2010-02-06T17:11:00.000-08:00

no i'm not like that.

please. believe me.

please! no it's just how i feel but that's why-

no PLEASE listen to me!

i don't say all these things but instead write them here because -

yeah I know that's exactly why - because everyone'll think i'm crazy and weird!

oh....you do as well huh.

i'm sorry then.

wait, but -

okay you don't want to know me anymore? it's okay by me because all I wanted to do is to-

no please wait! LISTEN TO ME! ALL I WANTED TO DO IS-(she walks away with her back to me, with other guys with her.)

.......

........

.......

(I talk to the empty parade square.)

care. about you.

/exeunt from her life.

why do I believe I even deserve to have that privilege?

*note: I don't know who she might be. But it'll inevitably happen.

2010-02-05T20:26:00.000-08:00

i'm still getting over the fact that she's in my school again. I don't know if-

my nervous happiness that i'm going to be seeing her around all the time and I'll actually get to talk to/spend time with her after these 4 years (i wish)(not happening)(but whatever)-

outweighs-

my crestfallen trepidation that she has to watch out for almost all the guys in our level, even if they're old friends, for she's too attractive for any of them to resist and needs to be able to realize who's actually going to be her real friends and not just admirers. And that I am powerless to keep them away.

But, after knowing her for over 5 years, I think I'm still just an acquaintance, compared to the guys who've known her for under a year. No grudges okay.

damn I make her sound brainless. THAT IS NOT THE CASE.

So, I think the former fails to outweigh the latter.

I think I'll just wait till I get shoved to the back of her memory. Then I'll give up on myself too.

No, I'm not calling out. I'm mute.

I'm waiting for the show-off day. When you all stand around and take turns to make fun of/insult/accuse/humiliate me, with all the new people to just watch and see. I'll close my mouth. With my gaze to the floor. But my lips. Will be smiling.

you know why?
because that'll be the day people stop ruining their social lives by knowing who I am. and who I'll never get to be.

The high life's over. It was good while it lasted, nearly a whole month.

See you back to behind-the-scenes work again. MCing. President of YDS with no one wanting to be exco.

You're probably exasperatedly asking me why I'm being like this now. I can't be bothered to work it out and explain to you, but it's started from listening to I Gotta Feeling - Black Eyed Peas. The optimism has thrown me deep. down. under. And I've been listening to it on repeat all day.

2010-01-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

I wish I could fall out of love.

2010-01-13T05:50:00.001-08:00

so down.

couldn't do it again.

and all these responsibilities given to me really make me feel morose further.

i don't want to know why i feel like closing my eyes and never ever opening them again.

2010-01-07T01:32:00.000-08:00

hoho, wicked IB results.
I will not fail the legacy of a Young Diplomats' Society President.
45 points. is mine.

oh, you seem to have found someone? that's great. I told you there would be, if you let it happen.
Well then. my case is rested. You can forget I exist now but it was tantalizing while you were still free. (: goodbye.

2010-01-03T20:47:00.000-08:00

no it's not going to stop here.
I can bring it up higher. I need more practice. and more time.

On a side note, realization dawned this morning. I figure I'll be fine as long as you just let me be your friend. but we never get to see each other, and I suppose it isn't going to change very soon. Well.

After these 4 years, I guess I can live with that. :)

2010-01-01T05:58:00.001-08:00

renounce all I ever said to you, whether I meant it or not.

I just hope you'll get to be happy with someone.

Hope that you'll always be able to smile.

forget about me if you like, I was never important to anyone.

I hope that your heart will never have to be broken. unlike mine.

What wouldn't I endure for my friends, you don't know.

I hope I'm not full of half-baked notions at this age.

But I do hope I keep this faith as I grow old.

That I will lay down my life to protect or save anybody. no matter the situation.

It's the least I could do for being fortunate enough to have these few precious friendships I have.

at least, friendships from my side.

truth be told I rarely feel like i'm anything but a stranger to you. for the last 4 years.

and for the next eternity, it may well be.

I seem to have a lot of hopes.

2009-12-31T16:54:00.001-08:00

and now what I see feels like yet another powerful blow to my heart. guess there's no stopping for these things. Choose well.

2009-12-31T06:50:00.000-08:00

you know something?

of course you do.

and no you don't.

Social and behavioural customs be damned. I have always and will continue to rebel against them.

Call me quirky and retarded if you will, because you don't comprehend what I think on the same level as me.

the hell is the point of 'ushering' in the new year. It's all arbitrary in the grand scheme of things, for new year's eve would be tomorrow instead of today if we just changed our calendar around. it's not like the year couldn't start when the planet was a bit further along its orbit. by extension of logic, same goes for the denominations of year. sure, they're handy and all for keeping track of time, but that's just about it. And no, I relent that I don't have any sort of solution to this whatsoever.

it's just another day, it's just another night.

and when you party you scream and you shout its your sense and sensibilities you fight.

now, if people could apply practical noetics to their wishes, i'd change my views on this. and then they wouldn't be merely 'wishes'.

But why should I change my views, and can people even do that yet?
greetings of 'good morning/afternoon/evening/night', don't ever seem to work on 'bad' days now do they? when people die, or get in trouble, and all that jazz. even happy birthdays.

heck, is there any logic behind crying and feeling sad that someone died right there and then? when you consider how many other people around the world just died and are going to die any moment now and you don't give two shits about their situations and fate. sip on that for a while, and don't tell me i'm an insensitive dick, because so're you.

yes, hypocrisy is rampant, and I shall admit it with regards to myself as well. the number of times I've cried in the past week, and all about things that'll never change, and it's not like i'll make a difference in the world. it will contrive to negate everything I try to do. I love you, yet I don't want you to have to consciously realize that, which you don't anyway. But at least let me care about you. I can take the hurt of knowing about all your other cooler male friends and how you get along so well with them, unlike me. I just hope that whoever you choose, you'll be happy with him and he won't be a jerk to you. if you even believe in love.

I know I certainly won't for much longer.

drown in the music, for it can convey feelings far more deeply than verbal and literal communication.

signing off, world. (the perfunctory denomination of) Tomorrow awaits greatness.

2009-12-29T06:34:00.000-08:00

that feeling when at least someone believes in you.

2009-12-28T22:51:00.000-08:00

hans zimmer's themes for sherlock holmes OST. powerful.

2009-12-27T07:09:00.000-08:00

really. all my child-like enthusiasm for talking to you, or any of my friends.

always gets snuffed out so cruelly. almost all the time.

people in school think i'm always so cheerful and always laugh or smile.

that exuberance isn't real, I guess. and it isn't going to exist for long.
I already feel it dying out. But don't feel guilty. It's my fault for hoping in the first place.
love is more powerful than fear. Yet this love will never be returned.
to the future, we go.

no, i really must stop thinking i matter.

2009-12-27T06:35:00.000-08:00

I lose all my joy whenever we have arguments.
We don't have to, right?

I fail to realize the significance of this.
Or perhaps it won't matter.

2009-12-27T05:01:00.000-08:00

I will do all I situationally can, in the following year.

To improve my music by leaps and bounds.

Make my passion my profession.

Just watch me. :)

Piano, Violin & Double Bass.

2009-12-27T04:33:00.001-08:00

I will make conscious efforts to stop expecting so much attention.

how did I ever.

if I'm not that important anyway?

2009-12-25T17:30:00.001-08:00

I must agree. The worst place to be hurt is in the mind.

And more often than not, you do it to me unknowingly.

At the other times, it's my heart. Yet I'll still be there, and I don't know why.

2009-12-25T09:09:00.000-08:00

I imagine.

(if i'm still alive at that point.)

when we're adults, at least physically.

I'll meet you again in my life, someplace else.

we'll catch up on life, if you're bothered.

I'd be so overjoyed to see you again.

but then you'd nonchalantly tell me of your wonderful whoever(s).

and I'd be subdued, noticeably. But you'd just think I've always been that way.

But it's only when you're there am I like that. so you'd think it's normal of me.

Will I even live to see that day?

2009-12-14T07:16:00.000-08:00

again that realization of uselessness.

good-for-nothing.

yeah i failed my violin grade 8, ok? and i might barely pass this time around if i'm lucky.

yeah i can't play in tune because i can't even tune my strings right and my fingers are fat and pudgy and nowhere near dextrous enough to play fast pieces. so i make a mess of slow ones too.

yeah i know all those people in OMM/SNYO/NAFA they're my batchmates. what? oh, nah, i'm not there because i'm rubbish compared to them. something like the only person in my level who's not amongst them. there couldn't be a worse robber of self-belief/confidence.

yeah, i actually have to fake those running passages but the rest of the section get them right head-on.

yeah my violin's ill-maintained. so's my bow. and my piano. while we're at it, my scalp is weak, my hair needs to be shampoo-ed twice a day to even be somewhat clean, my back's crooked and covered with marks, my ears are screwed up, my eyes just as bad, my nose is becoming deformed, my feet are still sick, my digestive system hasn't worked properly every day for the last month, and my head hurts.the only properly functioning part of me may be my hands. and even those can't do anything on the violin. so what's the point.

and no one's my real friend anyway.

i'll always be the last choice, the first one left behind, the odd one out. all my peers around me make me feel peerless in every aspect. sidelines,backstage and shadow, seems that's as far as i'll ever get.

i used to think i'd be able to cheer myself up or at least express myself by being able to play that sort of music. but i can't even do that, so what can I do?

2009-12-05T19:20:00.000-08:00

why can't they just get divorced.

yes i understand what i'm saying.

so be not surprised that i am never going to marry.

2009-11-21T05:39:00.001-08:00

such a desperado I am.

2009-11-08T00:04:00.001-08:00

i'm dying.

slowly.

in my mind.

inescapably.

forget about me,

world.

2009-11-06T06:42:00.000-08:00

music are my words.

the music, of Philip Glass.

2009-10-24T08:02:00.000-07:00

haha.

yes, it's funny.

laugh.

for every time I feel happy and worthwhile talking to you and non-guilty,

there's an alternate time I feel like I'm wasting my time and being a completely foolish numskull.

sometimes they're both the same time.

I wonder if I can put myself through it for the next two years. After such a trying time, everything will be sufferable. almost, anything.

actually, it already is. I'm ready, show me what you've got. (: i'm game. as I have always been, and will be.

2009-10-23T01:42:00.000-07:00

What the hell am I still doing here.

I thought I was intelligent and I had a brain.

I thought I could do math.

If I can do math, why not physics?

Why. Why is it always physics.

I love physics. I want to learn physics.

and yet everytime I barely pass.

and again overall, shitty marks and even worse percentages.

my percentage is what our head prefect got last year, plus point.

the thing is, he managed that while being head prefect, minus point.

I thought I did it this time, finally.

But sometimes even the end is not the redemption.

It's going to take something now, something big.

to change things.

Do I even have to say how garbage I feel.

2009-10-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

today, watched (500) days of summer.

why does every non-comedy movie want to make me cry. Don't understand why this was called a 'comedy' though, it's really heartbreaking, even with that kind of ending.

I think I associate so strongly with the main characters all the time.

but perhaps. this is an indication to me.

that I should put my similar somewhat over-dramatized past behind, and just forget it all.

so, how do I forget you then?

and keep all those...non-existent, meaningless, suicidal memories.

the real sadness lies ahead.

but it was extremely painful watching the movie through.

it was rather like how i'd felt all my last 5-6 years.

so what. all that was trivial. we still don't know how we feel about things.

but. knowing me. that's probably how i'm going to end up in due time.

tell me. if I feel it, I can love as many times as I truly believe. but what sort of girl's not going to react to me differently from Summer Finn in 500 D o S?

i'm nothing special. i'm not going to have much of a job. i get into arguments very easily. i'll fight with my life for people I care about.

maybe I do have the power to change all that, and be happy in the future.

but i'm not going to. as some quoteworthy source said/says; it's better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

i want to fail in life. a New York, 500 D o S, C W A Chance of Meatballs, and all that, rolled into one. heartbreak is like a drug.

i'd know. mine breaks so often.

perhaps the whole point of pursuing happiness is experiencing all the disappointment. sadness. pain. regret. that you experience on the way. after which, you don't want that happiness any more.

i'm addicted to this track from the 500 D o S OST: Sweet Disposition - The Temper Trap

that feeling of not being good enough. of not being right. not the one. inadequate. messed up. ill-disposed.

there are some people I connect with in this world, on the deepest possible level.

those who have had their hearts broken.

those who have been rejected by society at large.

those who would sacrifice themselves for something/one they believe in with no hesitation.

those who never make it to what they were meant for.

and,

those who's dreams are never fulfilled, in the end.

for, i'm one of them too.

take heart, bittersweetly, for.

there is a light that never goes out.

2009-10-16T03:25:00.001-07:00

I think I've.

finally.

managed to bring my performance.

to that level.

once more.

this time.

we will know soon enough, won't we.

that aside;
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs! really lovely movie. :D

2009-10-05T05:30:00.001-07:00

with an increase in proximity.

more music fills my mind.

i'm more at peace.

more able to focus now.

it feels as though i've been waiting for this all my life.

it's only one and a half weeks now.

let's go. we all know we can.

2009-10-02T07:57:00.001-07:00

unreal feelings.

exams start now.

brainwork starts now, too.

oddly, there's no pressure.

like final peace.

no matter of the outcome.

quietly self-assured and confident.

yet unable to downplay the element of nervousness and 'what if'.

here goes the transition.

hmm.

after this, I'll be a different person.

2009-09-29T07:50:00.000-07:00

just, no.

i'm not going to cliched on you by saying you don't understand.

but I am not one to sit around accepting other people's ignorance limiting my actions.

so no, if i disregard society and it is against me, that just doesn't cut it.

experience does NOT speak for practicality or feasibility.

what you can do in your situation is nowhere near what I can do.

but I don't enjoy disagreeing with you admittedly.

Just convinced that things don't work like that.

As you said, I speak from experience too.

and honestly, I'm saying all this with a smiling face. really. (:

Yes, the face everyone always sees me wearing when I am around them.

2009-09-29T06:07:00.000-07:00

against all odds, I feel confident. this time.

2009-09-28T03:59:00.000-07:00

i've conquered uncaring-ness.

it doesn't matter to me any more.

2009-09-26T18:51:00.000-07:00

never going back there again.

I could take the first one, and the second one.

but you?

you.

it is futile for me to say I'd never have believed it.

because i disbelieve in myself now.

perhaps this is finality; i'm giving up on you.

soon, you'll be an unpleasant, cold but mere memory.

you can go have fun with him all you want.

maybe to you it's non-comittal, but it meant a lot to me.

or should I say, hurt deeply.

2009-09-26T09:14:00.000-07:00

all you haters. each and every unjustified one of you.

i'll bring you down individually. and till then I will not rest.

you don't have to wait. it starts here.

2009-09-23T06:47:00.000-07:00

wonder.

what am I going to do next year?

how will I live.

what about these 4 years of my life, with you people. was it all for nothing?

you'll be halfway across the island all the time, if not further.

and it's already like we barely know/knew each other.

and this refers to all of you, not just you alone. but of course.

you're still somehow, lingering in my mind.

all the time. I just hope someone remembers me, some day.

some way.

guess what I think never mattered anyway.

but will it ever?

that is a future,

far too bleak to

ponder.

2009-09-21T07:15:00.000-07:00

don't know

why I feel

ignored.

2009-09-20T07:42:00.000-07:00

MANCHESTER UNITED!!!

2009-09-13T04:26:00.000-07:00

ghost love score.

but on the other hand,

where do we go from here?

2009-09-08T05:02:00.001-07:00

changed forever.

2009-09-05T06:45:00.000-07:00

i just can't believe it. )':

was i really that bad?

if so then I'm not going to re-take.

i'm not going to be desperate for

what i didn't rightfully earn

the first time.

tomorrow i'll know if all the last-ditch

scenarios through my head were

true.

but i'm always wrong.

so i really have failed.

i guess, honestly, i'm not going to be around for much longer.
dead.

buried.

like ryan's father.

although i'm sure he died happy and sucessful.

not a failure in every sense of the word.

what an illusion i've been living through

all the time. that perhaps someone
loved me. that perhaps i really

could do something if
i tried. that perhaps there was something
i could do in and for this world.

no, on all counts.

sigh, goodnight. it's going to be a hell of a future after tomorrow.

i hope it ends quickly, though.

2009-09-04T20:56:00.001-07:00

the urge to cry and the urge to die keep growing.

2009-09-04T02:41:00.000-07:00

drag me to hell.

apparently i failed. my. violin grade 8.

screw the fact that only one cristofori vln grade 8 candidate passed.

do they have no heart, to fail a student by 3 marks out of a 150? in such a subjective exam as music.

i bet that woman is racist. when I took the exam i didn't belive it was anywhere near failing...

so what if my teacher failed loads of times before. I don't have the pride to carry on with my diploma, i'm stopping here. how can I dare to do a diploma if i fail grade 8.

to think I got a merit result the 2 times before. what rubbish.

i always thought my music was messed up. but, to this extent? i know worse violinists around me who've passed. ): whatever that i got merit for my piano grade 8 which i took barely a week after the violin one.

anyway so what. i'm not going to unjustly blame anyone or anything for my failures.

i feel as though i'm really going to jump soon. this just killed me, really. and with all the mun stuff going wrong also, getting cancelled just before my exam. essentially wasted my preparation time. it's just too shameful to live through.

i don't feel i need to be here any more. no one wants me around.

no one thinks i'm good enough for anything, either.

no one.

goodbye? we never really got to know each other.

2009-08-31T07:15:00.001-07:00

a smashing start to a brand new life. Let's go up up and away!

a special thank you to:

wilson
mansi
sze min
ying cong
htet aung
mr yeo
shreyas
aakash
shaunchan
ajinkya
amey
sarayoo
ria
jaime
constance
pratheesh
timtang.

I think i missed some people. happens to everyone, dunnit?

(:
Happy birthday to me.

2009-08-30T06:33:00.001-07:00

say goodbye to life.

say welcome back to excellence.

double ATCL & 45 points, your time starts tomorrow.

In the end, we really do have to go back to the beginning, to where the real friends come from.
(:
spend the evening and the night,
drown the regret with the light,
delightful music of life.

tomorrow isn't special, whatever they say.

2009-08-27T06:53:00.001-07:00

all that's left with me now.

are.

My Badge.

My Collar Pin.

My Tie.

My Black Book.

and what's missing is.

My Passion.

it's been replaced with regret, disappointment and lackdaisicality.

there are no more words.

but behind these eyes, everything still speaks, still talks.

to accept my failure in this. I must. but, hell. how?

I feel, no. I know I was unworthy of the honour of being an ACPrefect.

2009-08-27T00:34:00.001-07:00

it's over.

2009-08-17T06:37:00.001-07:00

awesome.

I got that Silver for SMO again, after all.

(: happyhappy.

2009-08-10T06:42:00.000-07:00

so it is then.

that what I bought so long ago, not knowing who.

was for no one in the end.

my conviction keeps walking on broken glass.

who else will join me in wearing their hearts on their sleeves?

a dogged lifestyle, it has become. but the imbalance grows dangerous.

the results of the present will return in the future, but it just keeps going out of my grasp.

the other side's always been empty.

is no one really ever going to want to fill it?
if so then. i'm resigned.

goodnight.

2009-07-30T07:07:00.000-07:00

maybe now I see.

it was all for them.

the pursuit of happyness. is not in reaching it.

it is in giving it.

that's what ACS is all about.

some of us are born to spend their life in service so that others can let live.

that's what I'm here for, world.

I would remember even after a thousand years.

I wonder, if there's still someone dearest to me?

suffering is nothing without the pain.

2009-07-29T07:25:00.000-07:00

letting go.

no I don't care anymore.

no I DON'T care anymore.

I don't believe myself, but I'm taking over myself now.

What I'm doing is something I have no alternative to, yet brings surging back all those waves of emotional pain.

10 years later, I'll be too miserable to remember anything clearly.

15 years later, I'll be on the streets/nowhere in this world.

how nice it'd be, just to turn up missing some day. some day.

2009-07-21T06:10:00.000-07:00

just.

no motivation anymore.

2009-07-20T07:15:00.001-07:00

I don't know what I just read.

but if it's to whom.

concerning what.

then.

thankyou. (:

it doesn't feel different any more.

is the magic gone?

I think that was the blow which i've been waiting for so long.

2009-07-16T17:36:00.000-07:00

"the misery that an ugly man feels in every conscious minute of love."

and I'm down with fever runnynose and cough. damned.

2009-07-14T06:27:00.000-07:00

"You have enemies? Good,
because it means that
at some point in your life,

you stood up for something."

2009-07-09T06:03:00.001-07:00

can I scream now?

how about now.

-no, no, NO!

-that's NOT what I meant.

-that's not what I'm saying!
-WAIT I MEANT -
-I'm sorry ): I didn't mean it that way!
-no oh dear I said that wrongly
-you misunderstood >< -I wasn't insinuating anything!

how many times, how many times, have I had to say these things.

I must stop talking. forever.

Everything comes out wrong. and untruthfully.

Can you just once and for all tell me bluntly that I am, and will always be nothing to you? It will end this tomfoolery of mine, and leave both of us better of.

Really, WHY do I even try anymore. I know it's never going to work.

It's good you're not talking to me. I don't and never did deserve it.

you shouldn't consider what I say at all. After all, who ever did, does or will?

I've been waiting to receive that final blow from you, world around me. When will it ever come? I'm already at my last shreds now, clinging desperately to everything I have. Which is nothing.

People ask why I always look down. look sad as well as stare at the ground. And, did you ever wonder why I can never look people in the eye?

Oh right. Who'd notice.

2009-07-05T08:27:00.000-07:00

New York was an awesome movie.

it means a lot, really. Kicks Slumdog Millionaire's butt anyday.

Now THIS is a real hindi movie.

I stand in full salute of the director(s). They had the strength to have a sad/unhappy ending, killing 2 out of the 3 hero(/ine)s. Like, who cares what the critics say? I think the movie was really good, and it's one of the few I'd probably bother to buy a VCD/DVD of.

'I have nothing left.' How often I have felt like that.

It seems now that though love is greater, more powerful than fear, there are some grievances, hurts, insults, injuries, injustices that can never be erased.

Don't brand me a terrorist, but I almost want to be like Sam(ir). And die in a similar emotional situation. Surrounded by no one on your side, betrayal and nothing left to live for.

But I am so; I'll never get that classy a situation or anywhere near as much importance.

Sorrow and Loss are such strong emotions.

Irreplaceability.

2009-06-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

downhill start, sigh.

waste of a morning, rather.

all last-minute updates.

there goes the chem coursework, as well as IHS.

and my violin&piano exams are really making me sad. Because I know, I KNOW I'm not going to do well. ): I'll pass, but who cares about just a pass?

where has all the time gone?

FINAL EXAMS. I WILL BURN YOU. And if I fail to hold to this, I don't know what I'll do with myself.

2009-06-20T19:36:00.000-07:00

sorry for ever asking.

sorry for ever believing.

2009-06-19T06:20:00.000-07:00

iMUN@AC 2009!

2009-06-15T20:27:00.000-07:00

missing some direction lately.

received some painful comments lately.

Perhaps I should stop trying anymore. and let my future ruin itself.

i will have no one.

i will have no credentials.

i will have no abilities.

i will have no life.

i will have no money.

i will have no home.

i will have no eyesight.

i will have no hearing.

i will have no fitness.

i will have no meaning anymore.

what are the holidays doing to me? :(

Angels&Airwaves - Valkyrie Missile.

that song means so much.

but I will not. stop.

till the last.

2009-06-14T08:00:00.001-07:00

oh whatever about the previous post.

I didn't make it to SMO 2nd round for the 4th goddammned year in a row.

Why do I even try?
I don't get anything for it anymore.

probably couldn't be feeling more loser at the moment.

okay. not feeling loser. BEING loser.

and the chemistry project has apparently been very misdirected.

maybe this is why I've always been wanting, been looking for someone to be by my side, at least in thought.

but i'm never going to have anyone.

and things'll never change for the better.

although I wish...

2009-06-14T07:49:00.001-07:00

lost.

but not wanting to admit intellectual defeat, after all that.

this.

is what i've been wanting for so long.

brainwork.

2009-06-09T22:59:00.001-07:00

I know what I had promised myself a few posts ago.

But today, after seeing you, it made me so happy. :)
and I know I can't and won't ever be able to do anything for you.

The simplest of reunions, and yet one of the most meaningful ones I've had.

on a personal level, I still remember. and it feels meaningless now.

It changes nothing.

nothing.

but I'll treasure today, for something is better than nothing.

2009-06-05T18:00:00.000-07:00

My teams always have every chance to win.

If they can't win with me on it, then they'll definitely win without me on it in the future.

I'll make way for better quality to come.

2009-06-05T08:07:00.000-07:00

It was never my place to be able to do anything properly.

this whole year has been testament.

Why do I still do all the things I do?

I have lost practically all my self-belief.

I really don't know how I could've done any more than what effort I gave over these 3 days, and yet.

I've always been making sacrifices, it's time I made way for someone of a better order.

My heartiest congratulations to RI, USA though. (: Well played, my friends. My defeat is indeed a defeat, regardless of the circumstances.

oh, not to mention SMO the day before RMUN.

worthless, it all was.

The writing's all on the wall for me. All that's left for me to do is sign it. and I'm gone from all this.

What can stop me now?

2009-06-02T14:44:00.001-07:00

to hell with it.

2009-06-01T02:59:00.000-07:00

We should forget it.

You'll never realise,

and I'll never remember.

oh, if only.

2009-05-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

maybe I fell for you because of your ability to be so completely clueless.

Twodayson, and you're still talking as though you don't know.

I would laugh, if the situation wasn't this pathetic.

Can't you see, that all this, was about, was for, only you?

2009-05-25T01:46:00.000-07:00

I know that my last post conveyed everything wrongly. sorry.

I'm not so sad for myself or anything. These schocks are regular for me.

Barely took me half a day to get over it, although there is some sadness.

I'm sad for you. Maybe you'll say that you're fine about it, really. But to me, I don't

think that is true. Within my boundaries of belief, you can't be okay about it so easily.

It hasn't been more than a year for you, after all.

Yes, I'm sad for you. and the way he treats/treated you. I can see that he was

someone really special to you, and for a guy to earn

a special place in a girl's heart

...it shouldn't be taken lightly.

Yet as far as I can see, he hurt you. Quite a bit.

That's what broke my heart, in a way. To have to see all of that.

But i've mended it over several times. Now, it's just a multitude of irregular pieces of life,

somehow clicking together in rhythm.

But it won't be that way for much longer.

I think this means that I'm too curious for my own good.

I only read your past because I wanted to know more about you, to understand

you better, so I could be

a better friend.

But I found out too much, and it pained me.

My only wish, is that you can be happy with him again.

and without me anymore.

No I don't mean to be emo here. I'm just accepting my deficiencies as a friend.

or wannabe.

I don't think our conversations will ever have the feeling it had before yesterday.

and it's all my fault. really.

it would be less painful if I never had to remember you exist, but I can't let go of you either.

I wonder about death.

I know I'm going to die young; my body is too ruined to live for very long. Maybe 25 at best?

But after knowing you, even dying tomorrow

seems fulfilling. As though my life's goal was accomplished.

and for all I know, even after yesterday's conversation. You're still totally clueless

about me.

2009-05-24T06:50:00.001-07:00

i'm at peace; now you've read it. (:

2009-05-23T19:14:00.000-07:00

I'm so sorry.

I should've known there was someone in your past already.

It had felt too good to be true, for me to have felt to have discovered you from nowhere.

Somehow, I think he's still in your heart, and will be. Good for him. Good for me, too.

I knew it seemed to be going too well for me.

There'll always be scars in your heart. Just like mine. Yours will heal. Mine...

Well, my genes don't need to be around in the world after I'm gone, anyway. It's all for the best.

This time, I'm really off it. Please don't tell me I misunderstood what I read,

because it will make no difference.

I'm sorry. Now I know the scene, I'll never be the same again.

Never.

Again.

one,two,three,FOUR. No more. There's been enough heartbreak.

I can only hope you get to meet him one more time, at least.

All of you, meet your respective hims.

don't ever call for me again, please. it wouldn't be right.

Bachelor-dom, I'm ready. I'm cured of this incurable disease called love.

And I will break myself before I break this one, if nothing else.

wretched.

and you know what's worse? I'm going to keep this inside me, forever.

but somehow I wish you read this. just once. before i'm gone.

2009-05-22T06:06:00.000-07:00

this is it for me. and it seems, most of us.

which non-elite school wants me? just wave.

mid years: 3A1s, 2B3s(which were 1 mark each away from being A2s), 2B4s, 2C5s.

bloody. 2nd lowest average ever; below 70%

I finally accept that i am stupid have no brains don't study enough am a loser don't belong at acsi anyway.

Please lose all respect you ever had for me.

so who am I to help you, now?

2009-05-20T22:39:00.001-07:00

I don't want.

I don't want to.

anymore.

2009-05-19T06:19:00.000-07:00

being good for nothing.

why don't I have any happy recollections?

everything's sad, depressing, regrettable, selfish, cowardly, what-could-have-been.

better days. will never come, I guess. like the final evolution of a biological species on its planet, living out its last hours. like Ultimate in Stephen Baxter's Evolution.

Science Fiction is the best genre to read. so serenely devoid of hope. so calmly distant. and makes you feel like life has no purpose, anyway. the human race can't do anything.

we can love, though.

we.

can.

love.

but I can't. never again.

always will be. proven wrong.

there's nothing left to treasure.

I thought my academics were going to finally start getting better.

amaths.

cmaths.

and there starts the downhill slide again. MEP.

oh okay so what's the point telling me i should get 10/12 for the question instead of 3/12? thing is, either way i don't get the marks and that's what counts.

sorry, i always learnt music from an NSK standpoint. Cristofori, what with all you NAFA and private students. can't you not keep rubbing it in my face that maybe i don't have as good a musical foundation as you people? there's a reason why i'm the only indian in MEP.

physics was a gone case from the beginning.

chem was difficult.

bio is full of callous mistakes.

IHS, everyone's dead.

LArts n'eer-do-well.

Hindi, what shall I say?

EVERY TIME.

every time.

I think I finally did well. and then I find out.

so from now, i'm going to stop trying to do well. since it's basically inevitable.

screw the world. no one will care about me even if i top the world for IB. even if i am the best delegate for the next 10 MUNs I go do. even if i am one of the hottest eligible bachelors around. even if i want to be everyone's friend and have no enemies. even if i want to share the love.

even if.

maybe this means that i didn't inherit anything from my parents. definitely not the brains.

definitely not the direction in life.

just the name.

and that name will be erased from the face of the world in the pretty near future. permanently.

I don't want descendants. I'm not allowed to, anyway.

sometimes.

I wish I was all that's left. at the end of the world as we know it. when the universe ceases to exist. so that I know how we all end up. how I end up.

with the certainty of knowledge of knowing that it will be the end. there will be no more after that. my suffering would cease.

whoever thought that beautiful music could torture your heart?

twisting me. shredding me.

all I need is someone to believe in me. always, all ways.

but that's too hard, I know.

2009-05-18T07:02:00.000-07:00

ever since.

i've just been dust in the wind.

every time i go higher. and higher.

the next level.

it's still not enough.

still not good enough.

still not high enough.

there's no joy anymore.

there's no surprise anymore.

there're no expectations.

there's nothing.

the friends.

the talents.

the academics.

the status.

the position.

the opportunities.

the chances of having a future.

the pursuit of happiness.

will never end. and will never be successful.

maybe I will never love again.

maybe I will never learn again.

maybe I will never dazzle again.

maybe I will never be what I was meant to be, again.

maybe I will never be known as who I am, again.

my first hundred for maths since times forgotten. and life just goes on and on. 3 back-to-back MUNs're bringing me in over my head.

and there was no one, there's no one, and there'll never, ever be anyone by my side through it all.

2009-05-06T06:07:00.000-07:00

and that little part of my heart meant that I can't feel love anymore. for anyone.

all going wrong.

oh, exams have started? Nah, can't be... aw, here it goes again.

hey look, it's post 250. save the party.

2009-04-29T03:34:00.001-07:00

total and complete failure this year.

and it's all because of me, truthfully.

But there's nothing I can do any more, except keep showing my face.

2009-04-26T02:53:00.001-07:00

why
are the japanese so good at writing music in the modern era?

2009-04-25T08:19:00.000-07:00

who am I to say anything any more.

with such a family.

you can't hope to match others if your own team isn't united.

and my family is anything but.

my dad got a trophy for being best bowler in a cricket match.

and my mum spends half an hour crapping about how hard it is to make us do anything.

i think i'll start living in the corner with my mouth wide shut from now on. wide shut.

2009-04-24T06:53:00.000-07:00

that crazed feeling.

staring through bloodshot exahausted eyes, at something that will never happen no matter how badly you want it to.

appearing to have frozen in time.

and the clock ticks.

and the situation keeps hitting you.

and you keep chiding yourself.

keep feeling ashamed inside.

and you couldn't find anything useful to do for the last 3 hours.

but you keep trying.

still keep staring.

hypnotized.

the intermittent pain you felt.

the discomfort.

the agony.

the disappointment.

the typhoons of emotional battle.

the passing.

the calm.

and the re-start.

with dimrain47's the kriotube playing in the background.

and then the spell is broken.

time seems to move again.

in a frenzy.

but is my purpose still at a standstill?

is my realisticness anywhere at all?

2009-04-24T06:46:00.001-07:00

and then I asked myself;

is that what I really care about?

feeel.

2009-04-23T06:18:00.000-07:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/audio/listen/214357

DJ sc00p.

feel the power surging from 0:48 to 1:21

and crank up the volume for a REAL experience of what music can do.

2009-04-23T06:00:00.000-07:00

worrying times for ACS; worrying times for me.
5 consecutive lost finals. in two days.

but ACS will stay strong as always. The Best Is Yet To Be.

on another note.

everything's always my fault, eh.

and all I do is always made irrelevantly futile. with consequences.

2009-04-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

another shot in the foot.

and the envy and regret will still remain.

2009-04-10T04:37:00.001-07:00

2009-04-01T04:35:00.000-07:00

not againnnnnnnnnnnn.

and I know what I want, I know what I need.

but of course, what that is, will never be meant for me.

even the best fall down sometimes. what would happen if i shockingly neglected both these essays huh? begin full of resolve to do and finish them tonight.

and now, end up feeling like the loser again, after a usual day of school. i'm not going to do them, i'm going to face the consequences. even a prefect needs some support once in a while.

the usual. made to feel as though i don't know anything, as though i'm not supposed to be where i am.

i guess it's almost true.

and i don't need people to tag telling me things I should do. if you're good enough to tell me things like everyone thinks they are, then do something, instead of giving lip service.

2009-03-29T14:28:00.000-07:00

rawr, speech+iso today. ><
invest + mep tomorrow. ><

why can't the week ever start comfortably?

I think it's time to abandon those pretences. that I actually cared about all that.

welcome to the new bravo! here's your free cola. it has pepsin in it.ok, so i'm not very coherent at 5:30am.

I just hope she was right when she said things'll always change and i'm sure it won't be like that anymore next year.

thanks. (:

2009-03-20T06:19:00.001-07:00

let's go crashing down. wheeeeee.

down into the bottom of the trenches of seas the universe has never known, never will know.
and they don't even have a bottom. there's simply no sense of direction. and of course, nature is abundant. but life is not. in the extremity.

it's where there's no land. just matter. and singularities.

it's where the people who try so hard and always fail, end up.

hello, friends ( finally). What did you people ever do to have to be tucked away in a place like this?

if you can even call this a place.

maybe I should just drop all my commitments, pull out of acsi, and life, and go back to kindergarten. and stay there.

facebook says I have 680+ friends, what a liar. I don't seem to have even one.
Everyone's just there for the good times, after all.

the school just uses me for all the dirty work and formalities it can. even the PB doesn't give me any respect. the MUNSOC? hah, they just don't have enough people. ACPHIL? because of the racial quota and i somehow managed to get into MEP so i need a music cca by order of the gov't.
MATHCLUB/BIOCHEMPHYSOLYMPIAD? don't even talk about it, i just exist.

maybe I'll be put into a class all by myself next year. and my own CCA. and my own council. yeah, that's win-win enough for them.

all these aspirations, talents,potentials. are meant to amount to nothing.

A real tragedy takes place in a corner, in an untidy spot.

he probably knew someone like me. but who can afford to know such people? it's so, unglam.

and you wonder why I'm like that? i'm not like that, i'm just that.

originality: something that is unique by itself.

perhaps the purpose of originality was that something so pathetic should never be duplicated.

when you thought you did it, only for someone else to come and completely eclipse it, for the enneth time. all over again. even deja vu can't handle it any more.

when you thought you did it, only for someone else to come and point out 10 other things aren't even started yet. all over again.

when you thought you did it, only for someone else to turn around and go against you. all over again.

when you thought you did it, only for someone else to suddenly realize you were involved and completely pull the plug on it. all over again.

when you thought you did it. only for...

why the f. am i even blogging. who needs to read these joke-of-a-posts. I should delete this someday.

love is more powerful than fear.

but will love ever be able to do it?

fear's been controlling me for ever, talking to me, playing with my mind, in our own private conversation.

well i've got to hand it to you, fear, you really know your game. i didn't, it was my downfall.

hope your next prey knows you better than I do.

that was, the final straw.

2009-03-16T16:07:00.001-07:00

A Hundred Ways To Say Your Name

I avoid speaking your name in conversation,
throwing it to the air as if it were nothing
more than an assumption of you; it is my last
mode of defence. The last item of clothing
to discard before I realise I'm naked in public.

Because they can hear it in my voice, I know.
Even in that one short syllable that means
everything and nothing; your name is as common
as you are rare. As easy as you are not.
As simple as love should be, but never is.

But when I'm alone, I tie my tongue softly
around the familiar sound, as if pronouncing
with conviction the phonetics of desire
will cause time to pause just long enough
for the earth to hear me naming my loss.

By Tania De Rozario

2009-02-20T00:35:00.000-08:00

yeah, I got kicked out of LSY! if not, then it's really pathetic.

2009-02-18T05:27:00.001-08:00

right now, at this point, I'm lost somewhere in between.
between a week of golden opportunities, and a week of miserly respite.
unbelievable, I say to myself. I'm here on my blog admist all this.
forced into doing things I absolutely don't want to,
stopped from doing things I bitterly want to do. the load, social,academic or otherwise, just doesn't seem to ease. I can't secure the complete potential of each day, something that's sorely costing me in various ways.

that time, I didn't want this. I wanted something else.

but what can I say now.
nothing really.

and i'm starting to understand how Clifton might have felt over the previous year. always all over the place because of so much having to be done.

all those solitary discouragements from teachers, parents and students alike don't help either.
just once? maybe never.

hah, Year 6 Prom Nite. what prom? I won't be anywhere. I won't be. Or maybe i'll help myself to some lemonade.

I wouldn't be surprised if they cut me from the yearbook too. for no valid reason.
or honours' day. or the cca list. even the school, perhaps.

everybody has those days. why am I getting 7 at one go?
Screw tomorrow, I want nothing better than to disregard my integrity and just skip school and falsely believe I've escaped from it all. Just when I was flying high after all these years.

=|

2009-02-16T05:47:00.000-08:00

coming into my own. just for that one day.

a day I will forever remember.

2009-02-13T05:20:00.000-08:00

today is a very special day.
and tomorrow.

not for me.
never will be.

exams, exams, exams. So far, so good. Maybe I'm finally getting my academics sorted out, after all these years.maybe.

everything else, is suffering miserably. just did the prefects' investiture guestbook this afternoon and man is it pathetic looking. Now the world shall see how bad my handwriting and aesthetic skills are. wait, I had those skills?

okay, I'm getting all those olympiad injustices fixed now.hah.HAH. watch out, i'm gonna kick. yo. ass.

Some person I am, eh.
Not having time to relax for 5 minutes on any day except Fridays. CCA, Prefects',Music Lessons, Exams, Homework, etc.

all those goals, dropping off one by one. first YTSO, now CWEC. and LSY just popped up out of nowhere.

I can just see myself in 3 months time. Barely existing at all.

and now there's the invest on Monday, which means my exam is after school, which means i'm missing math olympiad training, which means i'll have less time to prepare for my violin lesson, which means i will have almost no time to study for physics/do homework, which means it'll carry forward to tuesday, and there's mep after school, which means i'll have almost no time to do homework(oh snap, there's mep hw too.), and cram physics solely the night before.

this depressing movie will never end.

my posting is crap.